[postlink]http://newbestmotivator.blogspot.com/2009/07/gaining-control-versus-making.html[/postlink]
Because, in the world of measurement, we live in the illusion that we have only ourselves to rely on, our need for control is amplified. So, when mistakes are made, and the boat gets off course, we try to get back in control by assigning blame. The "shoulds" and "oughts" from the blame game give us the illusion that we can gain control over what just went wrong, and that's an illusion of language again. Of course we can't change it or control it--is has already happened!
The practice of being the board, is about making a difference. If,for instance, after hearing all your good ideas, your boss makes one mistake after another that you warned him about, you may think to yourself,"He never listens, he's competitive with me--he just wants to be right." And you feel once again like a prophet unsung in his own time or like Cassandra watching the towers of Illium fall. This is a time you can use the practice of being the board to make a difference. Here is how you might proceed.
"How did it get on the board that my boss is not listening to me?", you ask yourself. Soon you notice that "not being listened to" has become an abstraction for you, with meanings attached,like: he doesn't want to listen tome, or he is competitive or closed-minded. You know full well that you have had many such experiences in your life or you would not have recognized this one coming down the road. So you say,"How would I describe what is happening if I were to take away those extra elements of my story?" And when you point to real things instead of abstractions, you boil it down to: "I told my boss what thought and he did not take my advice." Now you can draw a conclusion that gives you leverage. You can sat without fear of contradiction,"My boss did not take my advice because he was not enrolled in it. It is up to me to light the spark of possibility. So if I want to make a difference, I had better design a conversation that matters to him, one that addresses what and how he is thinking."
Whereas "should haves" are commonplace in the fault game, apologies are frequent when you name yourself as the board. That is because when you look deeply enough into the question, "How did that thing that I am having trouble with get on the board that I am?" you will find that at some point, in order to give yourself a feeling of control or equilibrium, you have sacrificed a relationship. Whether you got into silent combat with your boss because he did not take your advice, or you failed to speak truthfully to your daughter because you did not want to upset her, or you just did not recognize how important you are to an old friend: at some point, a relationship broke down or is in the process of breaking down. And your effectiveness has deteriorated with it. In these case, an apology often serves as a restorative balm.
But in the model of fault and blame you cannot authentically apologize if you do not believe you are wrong, according to a shared measure of responsibility. It would be foolish for the pawn in the game of chess to apologize to the bishop for not having captured a piece five diagonal squares away, in a location where the rules prohibit him from moving. But when you, as the pawn, name yourself as the board, you can easily say to the bishop, "I think I sensed that you did not have a thorough knowledge of the rules, yet I failed to enlighten you. For that I apologize."
In the fault game your attention is focused on actions--what was done or not done by you or others. When you name yourself as the board your attention turns to repairing a breakdown in relationship. That is why apologies come so easily.
YOU MAY ASKING, "Why should I put so much emphasis on relationship when it will inevitably slow me down? Sometimes I just need to get a job done, and people have to understand that." Well, the answer is either they will or they won't. Sometimes you can enroll people in the necessity for short-term results, and sometimes your being heedless of the long line of relationship will slow down the overall "tempo" and run you into time-consuming difficulties.
Because, in the world of measurement, we live in the illusion that we have only ourselves to rely on, our need for control is amplified. So, when mistakes are made, and the boat gets off course, we try to get back in control by assigning blame. The "shoulds" and "oughts" from the blame game give us the illusion that we can gain control over what just went wrong, and that's an illusion of language again. Of course we can't change it or control it--is has already happened!
The practice of being the board, is about making a difference. If,for instance, after hearing all your good ideas, your boss makes one mistake after another that you warned him about, you may think to yourself,"He never listens, he's competitive with me--he just wants to be right." And you feel once again like a prophet unsung in his own time or like Cassandra watching the towers of Illium fall. This is a time you can use the practice of being the board to make a difference. Here is how you might proceed.
"How did it get on the board that my boss is not listening to me?", you ask yourself. Soon you notice that "not being listened to" has become an abstraction for you, with meanings attached,like: he doesn't want to listen tome, or he is competitive or closed-minded. You know full well that you have had many such experiences in your life or you would not have recognized this one coming down the road. So you say,"How would I describe what is happening if I were to take away those extra elements of my story?" And when you point to real things instead of abstractions, you boil it down to: "I told my boss what thought and he did not take my advice." Now you can draw a conclusion that gives you leverage. You can sat without fear of contradiction,"My boss did not take my advice because he was not enrolled in it. It is up to me to light the spark of possibility. So if I want to make a difference, I had better design a conversation that matters to him, one that addresses what and how he is thinking."
Whereas "should haves" are commonplace in the fault game, apologies are frequent when you name yourself as the board. That is because when you look deeply enough into the question, "How did that thing that I am having trouble with get on the board that I am?" you will find that at some point, in order to give yourself a feeling of control or equilibrium, you have sacrificed a relationship. Whether you got into silent combat with your boss because he did not take your advice, or you failed to speak truthfully to your daughter because you did not want to upset her, or you just did not recognize how important you are to an old friend: at some point, a relationship broke down or is in the process of breaking down. And your effectiveness has deteriorated with it. In these case, an apology often serves as a restorative balm.
But in the model of fault and blame you cannot authentically apologize if you do not believe you are wrong, according to a shared measure of responsibility. It would be foolish for the pawn in the game of chess to apologize to the bishop for not having captured a piece five diagonal squares away, in a location where the rules prohibit him from moving. But when you, as the pawn, name yourself as the board, you can easily say to the bishop, "I think I sensed that you did not have a thorough knowledge of the rules, yet I failed to enlighten you. For that I apologize."
In the fault game your attention is focused on actions--what was done or not done by you or others. When you name yourself as the board your attention turns to repairing a breakdown in relationship. That is why apologies come so easily.
YOU MAY ASKING, "Why should I put so much emphasis on relationship when it will inevitably slow me down? Sometimes I just need to get a job done, and people have to understand that." Well, the answer is either they will or they won't. Sometimes you can enroll people in the necessity for short-term results, and sometimes your being heedless of the long line of relationship will slow down the overall "tempo" and run you into time-consuming difficulties.