[postlink]http://newbestmotivator.blogspot.com/2009/07/no-human-enemy-motivation-for-peace.html[/postlink]
Just such a device was forged out of an unusual interaction with a couple in my psychotherapy practice, a couple on the verge of separation. The husband, who had resisted coming to the session in the first place, had retreated to the farthest corner of the office, albeit only a few away. His wife was in a rage at him for his habit of withdrawing, just as he was doing, and for leaving her alone too often. As the tension built,she pleaded with him and accused him and then she literally howled at him: "YOU DON'T LOVE ME!"
I heard my own voice shouting back at her "Who could love you when you act like this?" and realized that I had hurled myself between them. This was pretty terrifying for me-never mind what they must have felt. I was standing a foot from the woman's face, the face of someone with whom I had worked intimately and whom I knew very well, saying the most untherapeutic thing imaginable. I was truly out of the boat. In a split second of fear I made eye contact with her, and I suddenly caught sight of her central self.
"But it's not you speaking," I blurted out. "It is something else: Revenge. Revenge is speaking in your voice. It's a creature, sitting on your shoulder, and it's going to get him no matter what, even if it has to destroy you in the process." And the creature appeared, right there on her shoulder, in front of our collective mind's eye.
Suddenly and miraculously I wasn't angry and I wasn't trapped,and our sense of connection was completely restored. Moreover a whole new set of phenomena appeared. I saw how much harder it was on the woman to have to manage this Thing than it was on the rest of us. I saw vicious circle in which she would have to blame her husband for her outrageous behavior just to keep her sanity, while the Revenge Creature celebrated its victory. It was clear to me that It had come into being and split off from her at some early age and had not evolved since then by an inch or an ounce. And, I knew it was all a metaphor.
The man moved out of his corner and stood by his wife. Things came into view, one after another. "It's not going to enjoy being discovered, "I said. " It's scheming right now to find new hiding places so it can make use of you again to get him." The woman turned to her husband: "What she is saying is true. I hate being this way!" And he grasped it completely by the tone in her voice. She plaintively asked me how she could get rid of the Thing.
I felt confident in telling her she would not be able to do away with it, as though I were an expert on Revenge Creature; but in fact, once it was distinguished, I knew exactly how it would behave. I knew that if she resisted, it would gain in strength, and if she brought it to the light day, it would lose its power. "Just keep calling it by name," I told her,"assume it's lurking somewhere." Ask yourself," What's the Creature doing now?"
Here was an apparition-part invention and part discovery-that removed the barriers between us and allowed for a flow of compassion, no matter how badly we had behaved. It meant that wholeheartedness between people was always possible. I saw that if we describe revenge, greed, pride, fear, and righteousness as the villains-and people as the hope-we will come together to create possibility. We don't have to restrict ourselves, and we don't have to compromise. With our inventive powers, we can be passionately for each other and for the whole living world around us. We need never name a human being as the enemy.
Just such a device was forged out of an unusual interaction with a couple in my psychotherapy practice, a couple on the verge of separation. The husband, who had resisted coming to the session in the first place, had retreated to the farthest corner of the office, albeit only a few away. His wife was in a rage at him for his habit of withdrawing, just as he was doing, and for leaving her alone too often. As the tension built,she pleaded with him and accused him and then she literally howled at him: "YOU DON'T LOVE ME!"
I heard my own voice shouting back at her "Who could love you when you act like this?" and realized that I had hurled myself between them. This was pretty terrifying for me-never mind what they must have felt. I was standing a foot from the woman's face, the face of someone with whom I had worked intimately and whom I knew very well, saying the most untherapeutic thing imaginable. I was truly out of the boat. In a split second of fear I made eye contact with her, and I suddenly caught sight of her central self.
"But it's not you speaking," I blurted out. "It is something else: Revenge. Revenge is speaking in your voice. It's a creature, sitting on your shoulder, and it's going to get him no matter what, even if it has to destroy you in the process." And the creature appeared, right there on her shoulder, in front of our collective mind's eye.
Suddenly and miraculously I wasn't angry and I wasn't trapped,and our sense of connection was completely restored. Moreover a whole new set of phenomena appeared. I saw how much harder it was on the woman to have to manage this Thing than it was on the rest of us. I saw vicious circle in which she would have to blame her husband for her outrageous behavior just to keep her sanity, while the Revenge Creature celebrated its victory. It was clear to me that It had come into being and split off from her at some early age and had not evolved since then by an inch or an ounce. And, I knew it was all a metaphor.
The man moved out of his corner and stood by his wife. Things came into view, one after another. "It's not going to enjoy being discovered, "I said. " It's scheming right now to find new hiding places so it can make use of you again to get him." The woman turned to her husband: "What she is saying is true. I hate being this way!" And he grasped it completely by the tone in her voice. She plaintively asked me how she could get rid of the Thing.
I felt confident in telling her she would not be able to do away with it, as though I were an expert on Revenge Creature; but in fact, once it was distinguished, I knew exactly how it would behave. I knew that if she resisted, it would gain in strength, and if she brought it to the light day, it would lose its power. "Just keep calling it by name," I told her,"assume it's lurking somewhere." Ask yourself," What's the Creature doing now?"
Here was an apparition-part invention and part discovery-that removed the barriers between us and allowed for a flow of compassion, no matter how badly we had behaved. It meant that wholeheartedness between people was always possible. I saw that if we describe revenge, greed, pride, fear, and righteousness as the villains-and people as the hope-we will come together to create possibility. We don't have to restrict ourselves, and we don't have to compromise. With our inventive powers, we can be passionately for each other and for the whole living world around us. We need never name a human being as the enemy.